One night when being entirely way too candid at a local seedy bar, a friend preached emphatically to me, “No no, you never pay. Na-uh…” I seemed to have revealed a new cardinal sin. Forget all the vices that surrounded us in this smokey bar or the fact that we’ve reached a point in post modern feminism that embraces all the varying ways of being. I revealed a big “no no.”

So what was it that I should never pay for? Sex. In my friend’s opinion there is always a man ready to give it up and even pay. On top of that, why should you a ~woman~ give up your sacred goddess energy for free (let alone be the one giving up cash)? I simply responded, I was too tired of men falling in love and just wanted something simple for once. She wasn’t convinced. I wasn’t entirely convinced either.

It took weeks of shopping and drafting up emails I’d never send, for me to finally take the plunge. Soon I was on the other side, eagerly anticipating a knock at the door.

Was it good? Well this post isn’t a tell all… I feel somewhat sacred about my experience. It’s like my own personal troll gem belly button. One that I can choose to reveal or hide when I’d like. What I will say is, it was only after that I was able to obtain any clarity of why I’d do such a thing. Now that I know… I think I’m gonna do it again.

1. IT’S A CONTAINER:

This umbrellas my first defense of not wanting to get muddled up with love. But there is much more to it. Hiring a professional allowed me to have a designated space for intimacy. This means not only did I not have to deal with endless texts or distractions from my family, but I had space to fully dive in a loving exchange. I have to admit, when getting involved with someone it’s never void of defense or performance. It doesn’t matter what the end goal is. But here, I was fully able to revel in my desires and let whatever sweet or nasty things fall out of my mouth without any repercussions (attachments). It was a completely tender and animalistic exchange. One that would make anyone daffy. But I got to close the door and keep it just how it was. Untainted by the outside.

2. CLEAR BOUNDARIES:

As an early millennial, I’m not as well practiced at setting my hard no’s like a gen z-er. Here it was welcomed and so easy. And just like any container the boundaries are clear.

3. REAL EXCHANGE, MAYBE:

You ever watch a porno that is supposedly “behind the scenes”? They’ll have a frame set up that could be analyzed in an art theory class. A man with someone hovering over his shoulder with a camera. A woman kneeling before them giving felatio. Someone in the foreground counting cash. These extra bodies are used as props to frame what you are likely paying most attention to. The peek-a-boo view of the man’s face who is receiving the pleasure. What the camera man in the frame is not catching… you’re a sneaky voyeur into his ecstasy. You feel like you’re witnessing something “real.” Well you’re probably not wrong, even if it’s staged this way, he is in fact getting a blow job. But who knows if he’s flailing his head back for himself or your camera. I like that mystery.

As a professional in this field, I know exactly how titillating this work can be. Unfortunately, every once in awhile I will get a client confused. They can feel either ripped off or manipulated when as a professional I set boundaries after a good session. Despite the uncanny skill of being able to compartmentalize these things, we do feel pleasure… but we’re just doing our job. On the other hand, sometimes we are totally performing and the job is completely mundane.

It’s hard to say what you’re witnessing at times. But why mess around and try to peak through the wizard’s curtain? It’s an experience to enjoy. One where I choose to take the position in believing I’m contributing to the titillating part of their day. In this case the money is the frame and I get to witness a fracture of construction. Where I get a front row seat to someone on the job slipping into real pleasure. That is something I love.

RESEARCH:

Just like anyone else who is serious about their business, research is crucial. This takes many forms, but the best way to gain insight into a service is by being a customer yourself. Sometimes I wonder if the overly eager server at a restaurant or hairstylist who’s favorite topic is themselves, ever treat themselves to what they are offering everyday. So when I saw my provider I couldn’t help but take mental notes. I think I’m a much more caring provider because of it.

I LIKE BEING THE FAVORITE:

I don’t know what it is but I have this insatiable need to be the most charming and painless customer wherever I go. Am I really though? Probably not.

There are a lot of jobs I haven’t had and how could I anticipate what a worker’s actual needs are? Especially when there’s a person in front of me with a whole life preoccupying what ever exchange we might be having.

But sex workers know what other sex workers want and it’s simple. Follow their instructions and be respectful of their time. I guess you could copy and paste that formula anywhere.

But just to stress my point, I once had a sex worker hire me and that’s just what they did…I loved it. It also certainly helped that they were very attractive and sweet. But ignoring this, if anyone came to me with such clear communication and ease, I’d be prepping for my date with a well full of horny gratitude.

So yeah, I do like to think I have the edge when being a customer in this market. I’m clear, enjoy my time and leave it at that. So when my very first date that I ever paid for left, I was sure I was their favorite. I like being that… even if it’s a fantasy.